"Why am I where I am today? Why didn't I remember to take out the trash and recycling bin? Why would he/she say and or do that? Why did I wear this? Why didn't I say what I wanted to? Why am I letting myself go? What does he/she still live rent free in my head? WHY DID I JUST EAT THAT?!"
Yup-just a few of the questions that fill my head on a daily bases. However recently...FOOD seems to be the WHY's of lately.
The FOOD Diaries
I have to admit it...both to myself, and to you--the reader. I have to be held accountable for my actions because clearly my relationship with food is something that is not "healthy" in my life.
Having been a woman that has dealt with eating disorders in the past--FOOD is a hard pill for me to swallow...at one point literally a pill (not that it was hard for me to take). It became an addiction. It became something that I needed to have in order to function. My body wouldn't run off of the natural energies of life. I had to feed my body pills stuffed with things that who knows what!! It is scary to think what this will do to my body as I get older in life.
Then, binge and purge...yup..that was me too. Hit over the 200 pound mark and couldn't stand to face who I saw in the mirror. There was no way I couldn't eat...I had to eat...that became my pill. It went from comfort to devastation station in a matter of moments. I knew that the amount of calories and what I was eating wasn't going to be of nutritional value in any way and felt that I needed to indulge just to get rid of it asap. Talk about expensive.
Then, the stress factor. When things went south the only thing that I felt that I could control was the input and output of food....which...for awhile...became nothing. I didn't eat. Unhealthy relationships equated to me having unhealthy behaviors.
So what now? Life is full of smiles and grace. Eating has become a social extravaganza again.It seems that most things are related to and around food. Double Dates to a restaurant and/or going to the movies make me need to move it at the YMCA a little more than I already am. ZUMBA!!!!
What ever happened to my portion control? Knowing when to STOP and be thankful when enough is enough...and what about this evil word..... Bevies (aka drinks)!!! Something had to change---so after having lost 40 pounds on Weight Watchers before and having gained all <if not more> of it back--I decided to take it on again!! I can have my cake and eat it too so long as it is in my points and I build around my social activities. Ha--speaking of which--it is a good thing that Weight Watchers provides me with 48 extra points that I can use throughout the week because with weekends such as this past....I NEED THEM for moments like this:
CHI-Town STAND UP!-- Johnson and Me on the Shoreline Taxi headed to Navy Pier
June 16, 2012:Beer was 4P+
I am on the way to a healthy me. I have really come to terms with the Ebb and Flow of life...the gives and the takes. There is always something that just seems a little off...and while everything in my personal and work life is pretty kosher....weight is a huge BUBBLE hanging above me head. I don't feel good with where I am. I feel unhealthy, flabby and smooshy around the middle section with strong legs. Thus--it is a work in process. Feeling good about myself and regaining the self confidence that once was is and will be worked on a daily bases.
Fortunately for me, I have a beautiful *handsome* boyfriend who is more supportive than a $180 sports bra!!(call me nuts but I have some DD's on this chest! : p) He jumped on the Weight Watchers train and is losing with me. It makes it fun to have such a fabulous support system right at my finger tips. Although he loves "every inch of me" and purposely makes me look at myself in the mirror after a shower to point out everything that is "beautiful"---it is ME...not HIM...I am on this journey for me..but also so that when we decide to start our family ---we have a healthy, happy life ahead of us. I know that the near future holds so much good. God is good. I have been blessed.
Follow me, would you?? It's time for a 180 of mind, body and soul. It is The 180 Factor!
Cheers to the Present...living in the moment.......and manifesting a fantastic future.
What's to come tomorrow you might ask? The first blogtastic weight-in (inckie nan)!!!
Lovies,
Tiffany Noelle.
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